


Hospital Windows

by RestlessThoughts



Category: DC's Legends of Tomorrow (TV), The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: AU of depression and self harm, Angst, Barry is depressed, Betrayal, Blossoming relationship, Care giving, Character Death, Cute, Flash and Captain Cold don't exist, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Insomnia, Love Story, M/M, Major Character Injury, Major Character Suicide, Major Illness, Murder, No power AU, Self Harm, Starvation, Strangers to Friends, annorexia, attempted suicide, bullimia, mentions of overdose, no particle accelerator, read with caution, sad but happy ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-20
Updated: 2016-06-20
Packaged: 2018-07-16 06:31:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,004
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7256272
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RestlessThoughts/pseuds/RestlessThoughts
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Barry Allen has been depressed since his mother was murdered. He's tried to be happy but can no longer fight the pain of being depressed. He tried to end his life only to end up in a facility where they keep overly depressed and suicidal people where care and therapy is offered at all hours of the day. That's where his life turns around.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Hospital Windows

**Author's Note:**

> This fic included attempts of suicide, suicide, depression, self harm, overdosage, therapy sessions, OCD like conditions, mentions of annorexia and bullimia, mentions of murder, major character death, and other trigger inducing mentions. Read with caution.

     Barry stared out the window, almost sunny but the thin sheet of clouds lay over the sky. Rain fell to the earth, more of a drizzle. An average speed for each drop if 4.5 miles per hour. The grass wasn't as green as it should be at this time of year. What time of year is it? Spring. The flowers are budding, and the grass should be greener, yet here it is. A slightly yellow grass outside his window. The pain was returning. It's been four days since they found him. Joe was panicked, and Iris was in tears.  
     That night, Barry remembered it so vividly. He knows it's been fourteen years, and he knows what he saw. His mother's screams tore him from the once peaceful rest. When he went down stairs, he saw it. Broken glass, wine on the oriental rug. Ashes from the fireplace. Nora Allen on her knees, crying up to Henry Allen. Pleading for him to stop. Henry held the kitchen knife with anger. Barry isn't sure what made his father so angry, but he wanted him to stop. Nora saw Barry and cried for him to run.  
     And he did. Barry turned at the last moment to watch Nora's face fall in pain, her eyes go from fearful to dull. Henry's hands shaking, the knife pushed tightly to Nora's chest. Piercing her heart. Barry ran to the only place he knew to. The West's house. He saw Joe West's police cruiser outside. He knew he'd be home. Young Barry knocked and screamed and cried. Joe West opened the door and Barry pulled him outside. "M-My Dad. Mom." he cried and Joe knew to follow the rather intelligent boy to his house. That's how Henry Allen was arrested, and how Barry found his new family. It's also how he found himself depressed. He witnessed the murder of his mother. Up close and personal. He ran not to save himself but to stop his father.  
     The door opening pulled him from his reverie and back to reality. "Hello Mr. Allen. I'm glad so see you are awake. How are you feeling?" His doctor, Caitlin Snow, questioned as she entered the room. She asked this every morning. "fine." Barry pushed again. He answered her question like this every morning. Truth is, he's not sure how he's feeling. If the pain's actually there or if it's his imagination. He's not sure if he happy or sad, angry or depressed, lonely or not. He just knows he's there. Caitlin nodded to him accepting the answer, but writing something on her clipboard.  
     "Are you feeling any pain?" she asked and Barry pulled his eyes from the window to Caitlin, then to his wrists. There was blood soaking through, in neat even lines. He stared recounting before answering, "Kind of." Probably the first thing he answered without doubt. He re counted and re counted as the four days passed, Eyes focused on the left wrist, One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six. Seven. Eyes turn to the right wrist, Eight. Nine. Ten. Eleven. Twelve. Thirteen. Fourteen. One for each year of not knowing who he was. One for each year he's missed his mother. One for each year he hated himself more than the last.  
     "Okay, I'm going to give you a light pain killer and some water." Caitlin always specified what she was going to do before doing it. "Alright." Barry said training his eyes on the foot of his bed. She gently handed him two pills and a small paper cup of water. He threw the pills into his mouth and proceeded to swallow them down with water. He handed Dr. Snow the cup back for her to toss into the trash. The rest of the time Caitlin was in the room was silent. She checked his heart rate, his breathing, his pupil's dilation. Then she turned and left.  
     Another hour by himself then suddenly there was Caitlin again, his eyes snapped from the window to the intruders. She never came twice. Ever. Accompanying her was a man, bright blue eyes, jaw locked shut. He definitely did not want to be here. "Hello Barry. This is Leonard. He's going to be sharing a room with you." Dr. Snow offered a smile. Barry stared at the man nodded shortly before looking out the window again. He heard them situate Leonard's bed and set up a couple other things. Seconds later, Caitlin left. "Do you have any books?" he heard from across the room. Barry didn't move but answered, "Yes." He could feel Leonard's gaze burn into him. Twenty seconds later Barry broke his gaze from the out doors to grab the fifteen books he had in a box. "Here." Barry didn't make eye contact but held the box out for the man. "Just don't fold the corners." Barry ordered.  
     As Leonard grabbed the box his eyes fell upon the bandages wrapped around Barry's wrist. If he was curious he didn't ask. Most people don't. They are afraid he'll break or something. Like he's made of glass. But he's not. He's human. "So, Leonard. Why are you here?" Barry asked staring at the foot of his bed instead of the other man. "I don't eat. And when I do, I don't let it stay." Leonard answered as he grabbed the books from Barry. Barry let his eyes drag back to the window he's been staring out of. "Why are you here?" he was asked in return. This took Barry by surprise, normally people look at his wrist and automatically assume. They never ask. "I tried to kill myself..." A short pause, "again." Barry still didn't make eye contact. "How many times have you attempted?" Leonard asked.  
     Again. No one ever asks. "Three. Once with a rope, second with pills, and Thrid... well." Barry held up his wrists flashing both bloodied bandages to Leonard. "How long has it been since you've eaten and kept it?" Barry asked. "Two and a half months." Leonard said quieter. "How long have you been here?" Barry mind drifted for a couple moments, "Four days." That's where the conversation ended, Barry's gaze fell to the window again. The room silent with the exception of Leonard turning a page in the book he was reading every 210 seconds.  
     That night Barry rested his eyes but couldn't fall asleep. He knew someone else was in the room, and he couldn't rest with that. It's not like he didn't trust the man, he just wasn't yet comfortable enough with him to sleep. A question interrupted his thoughts. "Barry? Can I ask you something?" the rather quiet voice could've echoed on the walls, "You just did." Barry answered in a flat tone. Leonard took that as a yes and proceeded to ask his question, "Why did you try to kill yourself?"  
     The question is bold, but the only thing that got Barry to answer honestly was the true curiosity in it. "I hate myself." Barry replied now staring at the ceiling. "I hate my father, and myself." Barry's voice rung out again. "Oh. Why?" Leonard just continued to ask away. "My father murdered my mother when I was eleven, and I watched. Since then I haven't known who I am. If the man who pretended to care for my mother and I, who am I? The son of a murder? Someone who held onto that truth, or someone to let it go? Who was I to become? Where will I go? Answer was, to my family friend. I have been depressed for fourteen years, and have I decided I don't want to be depressed, or alive." Barry announced. Leonard was silent.  
     "Is that why you have fourteen cuts?" Barry was shocked, no one made that connection. Leonard must be observant, which got Barry to like him a little more. "Yes." Barry said in a short cut off tone. "Why don't you eat?" Barry asked. And Leonard instantly answered, "I don't deserve it." Leonard's voice was quiet since it was late. Barry took in the knowledge, "Do you sleep?" Barry asked and there was a pause, "I don't mean it in a rude way. But you just seem very awake." Barry continued. Leonard's soft chuckle filled the room, "Not normally. Once every few weeks my body gives in from lack of food and exhaustion. That's when my friend takes me to a hospital and they force food down my throat." Leonard spoke slowly as if he was extremely tired. "Well. Its a pleasure to meet you Barry. But I think you're tired so. Night."  
     Barry didn't reply, he was tired. Not that he'd admit it, but he was, is and probably will be tomorrow morning. It didn't take long for Barry to actually fall into a dreamless sleep. He never dreamed anymore, when he did it caused him more pain. To see how happy people were around him, even in his dreams he was depressed. It doesn't bother him that he is depressed, it's the usual now. It's been the usual for a long time. Just now everyone is aware and is trying to change that.  
     In the morning Barry woke at Five am sharp. He does every morning. But today he woke up and saw Leonard reading a different book from yesterday's. Using the light from the hospital windows rather than the side table light. "Good morning, Barry." Leonard's voice was raspy, probably from letting it rest for hours. "Morning, Leonard." Barry said in a slow flat tone. "You can call me Len, by the way." Leonard said not taking his eyes off the book, then seamlessly flipping the page. Barry's eyes trained on Leonard, when they normally would stare out the window. This man acts like he's been in here before. Maybe he has. Maybe he has had a rough time trying to stay out. Barry can't be sure. After another minute Leonard turned his gaze to Barry, who was still staring, Leonard waiting for Barry to say something, or pull his eyes off of him. But neither happened. So he sighed and continued reading.  
     Eventually Barry turned to stare out the window again. It's foggy now, not drizzling. A heavy fog rest over the yard of the hospital, and through the line of trees. His mind drifted to his past, then his hands gently ran over the bandages. When he touched them his eyes turned glassy filling with tears. None fell. They never did, Barry never let them. He doesn't want to be here. No he wants to see his mother again. He wants to try and feel happy, being here should help. But five days in and he still feels no different. Just now everyone sees him as weak, fragile, broken, unhappy, and suicidal. The soft sound of the edge of dulled paper sliding across calloused fingers calmed him, Barry took comfort in that sound, occurring every 140 seconds. This book's print is slightly larger. Resulting in less words on the page. Therefore every 140 seconds Leonard read two pages, rather than yesterday's 210 seconds.  
     "Does Barry stand for anything?" Leonard asked as he read, Barry could answer. He should answer but he can't help but get lost in the light breathing and the movement of fabric every hour or so of Leonard getting comfortable. Leonard looked up after a minute of silence, "Barry? Are you there?" He questioned. Barry let his eyes turn from the window and fall to his lap. "Yeah?" He asked basically stating he wasn't listening. Leonard watched Barry for a moment. "Does Barry stand for anything? Or is it just Barry?" Leonard asked, his gaze almost begging Barry for eye contact. "Bartholomew Henry Allen is my full name. Most call me Barry, close friends and family call me Bear." Barry said his eyes falling to his wrists again. "They gave you a nickname for your nickname." Leonard said with an amused tone. "Yeah, I thought it was funny at first too." Barry said the right corner or his lips, almost curving up. It fell short and back to the straight line it previously was. "What color are your eyes?" Leonard's voice was loud compared to the sweet silence they had before.  
     "Blue. Sometime grey, sometimes green. They change." Barry's voice drifted off as the sentence continued, "are your eyes always that blue?" Barry asked in return. And Leonard nodded, Barry didn't need to watch he heard the soft movement of the man's shaved hair on the collar of his shirt. He waited until the soft sound of Leonard turning pages again to stare out the window.  
     It was a weekend, the first time he attempted. Sunny, about seventy-five degrees Fahrenheit outside. Maybe sixty-three degrees inside. Barry finished work late last night, Joe was working today. Iris wasn't though. Iris said she'd hang out with Eddie. Barry slowly walked to his closet, rope in hand. Well technically a thick paled blue polypropylene synthetic. But it doesn't matter. The weeks been long, and he's alone. Silently Barry threw the polypropylene line over the rafter in the center of the closet.  
     Slowly he coiled the rope around a double fold. Pulling it, lifting the neck hole seven feet in the air, ten inches. His feet would be ten inches off the ground. He pulled a short stool into the small closet. Even breathing was the only sound, until an unsteady creak sounded. Barry stepping up the stool. Without any sign of emotion or doubt Barry let the noose fall over his head and hang around it like a loose necklace. He pulled it tighter, he could feel the old fibers poke at the pale flesh over his throat.       
     It's now. The leap of faith. The end of it all. That's when he heard the front door open. Iris's voice rang out that she was headed to the bathroom, Eddie's voice called out for Barry, knowing he'd be home. Knowing he is home from the pair of work shoes at the doorstep. "Barry? Iris and I are gonna go to Jitters, if you wanna come." Eddie's heavy footsteps fell upon each step as he ascended the first set of stairs. One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six. A pause, "Hey, Barry you up? Normally you're up by now." Eddie questioned.  
Barry thought for a moment, and lifted one foot off the stool almost a step. Eddie was silent, he heard a creak from up the stairs, but no reply. "Barry?" He sounded cautious, slightly concerned. Faster steps sounded, one, two, three, four, six, eight, ten, twelve, top. Eddie was very concerned hearing another creak. Followed by a muffled thump, wood hitting wood. Something fell. Nothing else but worry filled Eddie's mind as he took five incredible bounds toward Barry's door.  
     He swung it open and say Barry on the ground a stool next to him. "Oh. Heh. Hi Eddie. I fell asleep at my desk." Barry spoke awkwardly, the lie didn't bother him. As he pulled himself from the ground his eyes darted to his closet, the rope noose dangling barely hidden by the closet door.  
     Leonard sighed as he closed the book's back cover, pulling Barry from his memory. "What time is it?" Barry questioned still looking out of the window. "Eight o' two." Leonard answered and Barry sighed. "You have a good taste in books, Barry." Leonard commented and Barry gave a small nod as he counted down mentally, then out loud. "Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five," Leonard stared at Barry confused, "What are you counting down to?" Barry continued even as Leonard spoke, "three." He pointed to the door, not looking. Just admiring the fog sheeting the outdoors, "two. One." Leonard watched as the door opened and Dr. Snow stepped in with a small smile. "Hello, Mr. Allen, Mr. Snart." She said in a cheery tone. "How are you, Barry?" Barry let his arm fall to his lap, "fine." Barry replied as always. "Are you feeling any pain?" Barry shook his head. "That's good, let's change those bandages." She spoke and Barry nodded sliding his wrists towards the doctor.  
     She gently lifted the tape off the gauze, then pulled back and around his wrist, once, twice, three times before she slowed to pull it off slowly, the once almost closed wounds re opened, pealing the puss and scabbed over cuts. The discolored bloody gauze was dropped to the floor for Caitlin to pick up after. Leonard watched from his bed, looking at the seven even straight cuts, trailing up Barry's forearm. He then looked at Barry's face no pain, or discomfort showing. She opened another gauze and wrapped it around the freshly disinfected cuts and taped the end in place. She did the same to his other arm. Barry didn't blink the whole time, just stared out that damned window. Caitlin disposed of the old bandages and her gloves and turned to Leonard.  
     "Good morning. Leonard. How're you feeling?" Leonard shrugged, "Well enough." He answered honestly. Caitlin nodded and scribbled it down on her clipboard. "Are you feeling any pain?" Any person who hasn't eaten for a little over two months would feel pain, in their stomach, in his entire body. Aching for food, energy, anything. But Leonard didn't, "No." He was lying, he felt a lot of pain, but he's ignored it. "That's good. Your breakfast's are on the table." She replied and left. Barry didn't move for the food for another ten minutes. This is the first time he's seen the kid move.  
     His lanky form draped in an over-sized pair of sweatpants, and a black v neck t shirt. "You didn't eat yesterday." Leonard pointed out and Barry nodded. "I don't eat very often." He said as he grabbed a select few pieces of food from both plates, despite one being meant for Leonard. Four pieces of bacon, two apple slices, and one of two cups of milk. Leaving the pancakes and eggs to cool until they came to retrieve them. Before he left the table to dine in his bed he, offered the other cup of milk to Leonard. "Milk?" His voice questioned and Leonard nodded and held out a hand.  
     Barry carried back the small amount of food and handed Leonard the milk. Leonard set the cup down next to him. And Barry for once didn't stare out the window. He watched his food as he sat down and took a rather small bite of an apple slice. The crunch itself changed how Leonard felt. Instantly feeling slightly ill. Despite how he felt he watched the boy with interest, as perfectly white teeth passively tore through the food. Leonard took a small sip of milk. About an hour later, Barry had finished eating for about forty minutes and had did some lazy yoga like stretches to get feeling in all his limbs. While Leonard had sipped at his milk and had consumed about 1/4 of it. A staff member came to retrieve the plates and saw some food removed and the cup of milk by Leonard and an empty cup on the side table of Barry's bed.  
     Barry was now laying on the ground, his eyes closed and his breathing even. The employee retrieved the empty cup and pointed to Leonard's cup. He shook his head, letting her know he's continue to sip the warming liquid. She nodded and left. "What're you doing Barry?" He asked as Barry lifted his arms into the air, but the rest of him remained relaxed. "My therapist said I should try to relax and do some yoga." He replied in a bland monotone form. "Oh." Leonard said and picked up another book. "I'm joking, I used to do this a lot when my mind is filled. So yeah." Barry said almost with some amusement sounding in his voice. "Whoa, is that a sense of humor I hear?" Leonard teased with a short laugh. An almost laugh sounded, it was just a louder release of breath but, it was almost a laugh. Leonard almost made Barry laugh. Barry, the one who doesn't make eye contact. The one who stares out a window for hours on end without blinking. Bartholomew Henry Allen, the one who lies that he's fine to Caitlin everyday. The one who saw no point in his life anymore.  
     To Leonard it didn't mean much, but to Barry it did. Maybe all these years of being depressed wasn't pointless. Maybe he was meant to meet Leonard Snart, and he had gotten Leonard to sip on milk, the anorexic, bulimic man who held so little respect for himself he'd rather starve. The insomniac of a man who doesn't love himself. As Barry let his hands dangle but his arms stay straight up. Long loud breaths filled the room. Leonard could pick up another book and read but he found fascination in the younger man. Barry could feel the piercing eyes on him, training in on every little move he made. He didn't mind, it never bothered him to be stared at.  
     Leonard watched, Barry laid like that for almost an hour, all the blood out of his arms as they began to sway. Barry sat up and walked around for a minute getting the blood to flow into his hands. He stretched, the black t shirt lifting past the the elastic band of his sweatpants revealing a small section of pale toned torso. A small grunt fell from Barry's mouth as he stretched, "I'm going to go for a walk. Want to come?" Barry asked and Leonard thought for a moment then nodded. Pulling himself from the bed, revealing him also in a pair of sweatpants, but his torso covered with a long sleeved navy blue shirt. The three buttons at the collar undone.  
     Barry opened the door and waited for Leonard to leave into the hallway. They walked through the long hallways, nodding to people who greeted them, ignoring the one's who didn't. "When you were clearing your mind, what were you thinking about?" Leonard asked, Barry thought for a second watching the floor tiles as he walked. "I was thinking about when my foster father found me and brought me here. He was terrified. I was in my own bathroom. It was probably three in the morning, Joe, my foster father, came home from work. He was working late on this case, and finally got home. He came up to my room to check if I was asleep. But when he opened the door, I wasn't there. So he found me in the the bathroom, razor in my hand. I was waiting. I just finished. And I was waiting. Waiting for death finally over come me. My shirt was covered in blood along with my pants. Everything was. He used a towel to cover my arms. I begged him to stop. To let me die. I pleaded for him to leave me to bleed out and die."  
     Barry paused waiting for a reaction, when nothing came, he continued. "Iris, my foster sister, was home and Joe screamed out for her to call an ambulance. She did. She never questioned Joe's reasons. He is a detective. So in three hundred eighty seconds I was hauled into an ambulance and carried off to the hospital. Iris drove herself and Joe to the hospital. Iris was crying, Joe was panicked, covered in my blood. I was in the ER for three hours before they could visit. When I woke up I cried. I asked him why he took that away from me. Iris cried and cried, Joe couldn't handle it and began to cry as well." Barry sighed before continuing, "I asked him why he wouldn't let me die, why he and Iris would betray me like that. That's how I ended up here. They said I should be somewhere I can have 24/7 therapy if I needed. They told me it was because I don't actually want to die. But I do. I still want to." Barry admitted as he stared down at the covered lacerations on his arms. Leonard nodded, "Have you told anyone?" Leonard asked and Barry shook his head. "You never told anyone how you felt. You never let anyone know that you were suffering?" Leonard asked. Barry knew it was a rhetorical question so he didn't answer. "I told my sister everything. Everything I felt, thought, and did. I told her I hated myself, and I told her I thought about ending it. I let her know that I was going to someday." Leonard spoke quietly again.  
     "Lisa was my everything. I did whatever I could to protect her. I'd walk her home from school, I'd shop with her. I'd give her the moon on a string if she asked me to. Even when our father tried to beat us. When he finished with me, he'd turn to Lisa and I'd say something, anything to get his attention back on me. That was until I couldn't get to her. My father had me leave to get something. And he beat Lisa. He beat her, when I came home I heard her cries. It took me thirteen minutes to get into that room. When I did she was gone. All I saw was my little sister's lifeless body, bloodied and broken. My father merely cleaning his hands of her blood. I remember feeling nothing but rage, my blood was boiling."  
     Leonard shook as he spoke, "I don't remember what happened but when I came back to reality, my father wasn't there. I was on the floor. Also beaten. Some people would said I'm lucky but I have to continue without her. If I had gotten into that room a few minutes faster she could've been alive. I hadn't seen my father since then. And if I do. I will kill him. But until then, he's lucky to be alive." Leonard said he was trembling from the memory. Barry gently rested his hand on Leonard's shoulder. First physical contact from the man, Leonard looked up and felt hot tears trail down his face. And that's when it happened.  
     Sharp watery ice blue eyes bore into dull grey-blue eyes, Barry's look wasn't sympathetic, it was thoughtful. He'd taken what Leonard to heart. Like Leonard, Barry hates when people sympathize, he wants what he says to be thought about, and understood. Not for someone to feel guilty about, or to feel bad for him. Leonard offered a thankful smile and Barry nodded. "Does it help for you to talk about it?" Barry asked and Leonard nodded, "Do you want to hug?" he asked. It sounded strange since normally people just pull him into a hug without question.  
     Leonard thought then nodded and Barry's arms pulled him into a hug. For not caring about himself in the slightest, Barry really cares for others. "Thank you." Leonard whispered as they embraced. They pulled apart and silently walked back to their room. Barry held the door for Leonard again and Leonard nodded as he entered the room and went back to his bed. At first Leonard just sat there, while Barry began digging through the small dresser they had for both of them and pulled out another black shirt, this one long sleeved, and another pair of sweat pants followed by a pair of briefs and black socks. Silently Barry began pulling his clothes off leaving him only in a pair of briefs.  
     "I'm going to take a shower." Barry announced and led himself into the private bathroom. Leonard pulled out another book and set himself comfortably on the bed to read. He wasn't really paying attention the book, just holding it to look busy when Barry came out. What Leonard was actually doing? Listening to Barry, not in the creepy way, he had just been told Barry tried to kill himself five days ago while in a bathroom. So he was listening for anything that wasn't water hitting tile floors and walls. Almost an hour later Barry emerged from the bathroom with a towel wrapped around his waist. Leonard turned the page as Barry dropped the towel and got dressed. Yes, Leonard looked, not in the creepy way. To make sure Barry's evenly toned pale skin was not marked. When he was sure there was no more marks he looked to the book and turned the page.  
     Barry slowly dressed himself and picked up the towel and attempted to further dry his hair. Soon enough he was back in bed and staring out the window, every 160 seconds a page was turned, every 590 seconds a sigh that didn't belong to him drifted across the air. Letting his mind wander to the second time he was saved when he didn't want to be.  
His second attempt he was found, and helped before anything could happen. Not like the first one, where he was stopped before he could start, or like his third being found after the deed was done. Who caught him? Eddie. Barry was lounging on the couch, he was home alone and those bottles of pills were staring him in the face. One his antidepressants from his recently assigned therapist, the other Joe's, pain relievers for his headaches after long nights at work. Barry is well aware a combination and too many of either of these drugs would kill him. So he opened them, poured each of the bottles in his left hand. Letting the containers themselves fall to the ground.  
     Carefully he tipped his head back and dropped the 50 odd amount of pills into his mouth, he reached for his cup of water and began to swallow. In three gulps they were all down. And the front door opened. Iris and Eddie were home. Iris instantly went to bed. It was late anyways. But Eddie went to the kitchen and grabbed a beer and flopped to the couch with a tired sigh. "Hey Barr." He greeted and Barry's head lulled to the side, the copious amount of drugs hitting his brain. Eddie turned to the brunette when he didn't get an answer, an orange bottle catching his eye. He dropped his beer and got up to help. "Shit!" He knew what was in that bottle, and the labeled white bottle by that one. He picked up his phone and called 911 he dragged Barry upstairs towards the bathroom.  
     He held the phone between his cheek and his shoulder as he held Barry over the toilet bowl. Without a beat of silence he shoved two fingers down Barry's throat causing him to up chuck the contents of his stomach, mostly pills. So many pills. The operator talked calmly, asking what was wrong. "My friend overdosed on antidepressants and pain relievers, I'm not sure how long ago, but if I were to guess almost three minutes before I got him into the bathroom. I have performed an act to cause him to vomit most of them out, but I'm not sure what else to do." Eddie spoke fast but calmly and clearly. "We'll send an ambulance right away to you location." Eddie thanked the operator and let his phone fall to the bathroom floor.  
     He rubbed gentle circles on Barry's back as he coughed and wheezed over the toilet. He repeated is action making the poor boy hack up anything in his stomach until he began dry heaving. Eddie flushed it down and watched and Barry continued to cough more, "Why?" Barry asked looking to Eddie. "This is the second time you stopped me." Barry's voice was raw and his eyes filled with tears at the burn of his stomach acid lining his throat and mouth. "I just want to die, Eddie" Barry cried and held onto Eddie as he did. The paramedics enter the house quietly and began checking Barry's vitals in case of lingering drugs, when he was put in the clear they left and Eddie put Barry to bed being sure to stay with the broken boy until he was fully asleep.  
     Eddie sniffles feeling tears falling down his face as he looked at Barry's now calm face. He gently moved Barry's hair from his face and rested his shaky hand on the pale cheek running his thumb over the other man's cheek bone. "We can't lose you Barry. Iris loves you, Joe loves you, I love you." Even though Eddie was with Iris, he can't be too sure how someone can't love Barry. Iris loves him, in a different way then way she loves Eddie. But Eddie loves Barry in a way he believed he couldn't have him. Eddie lifted himself from the ground, placed a kiss on Barry's forehead and silently left the room.  
     Barry turned his gaze from the window and to the door, it's Thursday, and that means Therapy. Leonard saw him turn his head and looked as well, then in walked a man, graying hair, black rimmed glasses resting on the bridge of his nose. "Hello Barry. Ready?" Barry nodded and rose from the bed and followed the man to the door, he looked at Leonard once more before leaving. Barry rested his head on the back of the chair and began to listen to the quiet music in the background. Tchaikovsky's was the best but this wasn't, "Sinclair's?" Barry questioned the aging man, "You've got an impressive ear. So have you been talking to your new roommate?" Barry knew talking about music wasn't going to stop the therapy sessions, sometimes he wished they did. "Kind of, I told him about my mother, and the night five days ago." Barry answered staring at the ceiling.  
     "That's good, are you still counting?" The doctor asked. "Yes." Barry said instantly. Barry was always counting, like he knows he's been in the room for fifty-eight, fifty-nine, sixty seconds. It took them 45 seconds to get from the bedroom to this one. "Barry. I told you to try to stop. I know its hard to, you've been counting for fourteen years. It stresses you out." The doctor spoke in a disappointed tone. "I know." Barry cut the words out short. For another hour the therapist tried to get any sort of emotion from Barry that wasn't irritation. Then time was up and the two made their way back to the room with Leonard still reading in it. "Hello, Leonard. I'm Dr. Harrison Wells and I help Barry in weekly Therapy sessions. If you ever need anything, my personal and work number is posted on the telephones all over this facility."  
     The doctor spoke moderately fast and finished with a lame smile across his lips. As he was speaking Barry looked frustrated and sat on his bed and crossed his arms, like a small child throwing a fit. "Okay, thank you." Leonard said still watching Barry and not Harrison Wells. Soon the door opened and the doctor was gone. "Is therapy that bad?" He asked and Barry didn't reply. "I'll take that was a yes." He said getting up and approaching the brunette. When he got to the bed Barry looked up to him. "He keeps telling me to stop counting." Barry said, "and you don't want to because it's like a comfort blanket." Leonard said and Barry nodded. Leonard patted his shoulder and offered a small smile. Barry nodded to him thankfully and lifted his hand to lay over Leonard's. The gentle sign of affection surprised both men, silence laid over them like a blanket of snow. Gently Leonard turned his hand to grasp Barry's, his thumb running over the soft skin on the back of Barry's hand.  
     They held each other's hand for almost ten minutes when Leonard sat with Barry letting him listen as Leonard told stories about him and Lisa when they were way younger. And Barry told him about working for CCPD as a forensic scientist. When they finished talking it was almost midnight and Barry had begun to yawn every few minutes. "Let's get you to sleep." Leonard said softly running his hand through Barry's hair. Barry nodded and smiled softly, a genuine smile. Barry was happy. He felt happiness when he talked to Leonard. Truth be told, he feels slightly guilty about calling Len, Leonard in his head all the time.  
     Leonard made his way back to his own bed and picked up the book he was currently reading and continued with the little bit of light the sun still had to offer for the day. It only lasted ten minutes before it was too dark to make out each word so he bookmarked it and set it on the side table only to find himself staring at the ceiling until morning. But something interrupted him. Almost a dream, but more of a memory. One he hadn't thought of in a long time.  
     He was almost twelve, his sister was eight they were walking home from school when someone came from behind and with almost practiced ease lifted his sister into his arms. She screamed and the man covered her mouth. They were in a quiet part of town so no one even bat an eye at the scene. Leonard ran after the stranger. He saw the small car drive by a bit ago but it was now parked and his little sister was getting thrown into the back seat. No other thoughts filled his head so he stared at the man's face and ran to the police department.  
     Where he met David Singh, the captain. He spoke very rushed, "My sister was just taken by a man. She was put into a light brown 1991 proton saga license plate from Michigan, the number is YG7-FF53. It's right headlight is taped over. If I can get a sketchbook I can sketch the man's face." he said and for a moment the whole department was quiet then everyone rushed around. "What's your name?" David asked and Leonard stared for a moment, "Leonard Snart. My sister is Lisa Snart." He said "What road were you on?" he asked, "18th avenue." Leonard answered as he was handed a sketch book. He quickly and expertly sketched the man's face.  
     His artist skills impressed some of the detectives, "Okay, we are going to keep you with us, we have had some cases about missing children, mostly young girls between the age of eight and ten, with brown hair." David spoke slower than Len would've liked, "She's eight, and has a medium shade of brown." He said and followed the man. The whole department was out looking for this man. Leonard didn't return to his house the whole week she was missing. "Captain we got a hit." a dark skinned man called in the door, his eyes fell onto Leonard and Leonard looked to him with joy. He might finally get his sister back. "Don't worry, kid. We'll get your sister back." Leonard smiled at him and he nodded in return.  
     "Stay here, he could be armed." David said to Leonard who was now placed into the office and he waited, and waited, and waited for what felt like days, but was a mere hour and a half. David back back and nodded to Leonard, his face erupted into a smile when he saw his sister was a little tired looking, bruised but patched up behind him. "LENNY!" she yelled and threw her arms around her brother, Leonard smiled and was sure he was going to cry as he hugged her. "I thought I was never going to see you again. Mr. David told me you helped, that you had the license plate number, the car's maker and model a description of the car and the man." Leonard nodded, "I did. I had to, to keep you safe." he said "Let's go home." They walked home, and not even a day later. He'd lost his sister again.  
     The memory made him feel happy sometimes, other time sad. Most the time relieved he wasn't made a fool of when he spouted information out to the police. Overall, that man abducted fourteen children, all alive. Some almost starved and some beaten way worse than Lisa had. Leonard felt himself dozing off, it's been a while. Several years since he's felt this kind of tired. Relaxed, drifting. Not falling, exhaustion that will l leave you with a dull head ache for hours. No this gently washed over him, and he let it. Letting his eyes fall shut.  
     He woke to Barry calling out his name, "Len. Len. It's eight. Wake up." Barry called gently, rocking Leonard's sleeping form awake. "You slept." Was all Barry said when Leonard actually woke up. "Yeah." Len answered and Barry sat down on his own bed again. "Dr. Snow is going to be here in one hundred fifteen seconds." Barry announced and Leonard nodded to him before picking up the book again. When the time came Caitlin opened the door and smiled at the two before greeting them, "Hello, Mr. Allen, Mr. Snart." she said in a cheery voice. "It's Friday, meaning visitors." She said in an even happier tone if it was possible. "How are you feeling Barry?" she asked, "fine." he said in the usual flat tone. and Caitlin wrote more on the clipboard, "Are you feeling any pain?" she asked and Barry shook his head. She proceeded to check his temperature, listen to his heartbeat, and his pupils dilation, then moved to Leonard. "Hello, Leonard. How are you." Leonard looked to her, "I slept." Was all he said and she smiled, "That's great, have you eaten anything?" He shook his head, "I drank milk." he answered. "Are you feeling any pain?" she asked and he shook his head. Caitlin moved on to check his vitals and then proceeded to leave.  
     This is Barry's first Friday, the first day he can see Iris, Eddie, and Joe again. He's glad he gets visitors, if they come. He knows visiting hours starts at ten so he's got five thousand four hundred seconds until then. "Do you know if you are going to be visited?" Barry asked and Leonard shrugged, "I don't know. The one person who would visit is Mick, but he's not good with times and stuff. So probably not." Leonard answered, "You?" he questioned in return, "Well, I at least expect Iris and Joe to visit. But maybe Eddie will come along." Leonard nodded, "If you don't expect anyone, you can come with me." Barry offered and Leonard shrugged again.  
     When ten rolled around Barry hesitantly listened, thirty seconds later and phone rang. When Leonard didn't move to get it Barry got up and lifted the phone off the receiver. "Leonard Snart, and Bartholomew Allen you both have visitors." "Okay, thank you." Barry hung up and turned to Leonard, "We both have visitors." he said and waited for Leonard to get up and walk with him down the halls. When Leonard saw Mick standing there he smiled, "Wow, buddy. You look like you've had something in your system. Did you have a bite?" Mick asked and Leonard shook his head, "I drank milk." Leonard said and Mick smiled anyways. "Good job." Mick pulled him into a hug instantly proud of his friend.  
     Barry was met with Iris, Joe and Eddie waiting for him. They smiled and Barry nodded to them. "How are you?" Joe asked and Barry shrugged, "I got a room mate." he said and gestured to Leonard, who was being hugged by who he assumed was Mick. Joe turned and stared for a moment. "I've met him before. Maybe twenty years ago, he was a young kid, helped the police with a case of a child abductor, they took his sister. He's really the sketch artist, and got a really good memory." Joe said and Barry turned to Leonard again then to his family. "He told me about her. He loved her to the ends of the earth." Barry said and Joe turned and nodded. They shared moments about what going on outside, how much everyone in the police department wants to come, especially Captain Singh.  
     When they had to leave again for lunch Barry hugged Joe and he heard Joe say that they missed him, he hugged Iris and she said he can't wait for him to come home, and he hugged Eddie who didn't want to let go, "I love you, Barry. I want you to be happy. I wasn't there for you." Eddie whispered and gently rubbed Barry's back. "I love you too, Eddie." he said and they let go. Of all three of them Eddie seems the most sensitive to this kind of thing, probably because he never told Iris or Joe about his second or first attempt.  
     Eddie wasn't aware of Barry's first attempt until the morning after his second attempt. Iris and Joe left for work while Eddie slept in and Barry was taking the day off. Eddie quietly opened the door to Barry's room. "Barry?" Eddie questioned as Barry turned to Eddie and sighed. "I want to ask you something." Eddie said as he let himself in and sat on the foot of the bed. "Um. Last night, after...well you know. You told me it was the second time I've stopped you." Eddie said and Barry looked to the ground as Eddie's voice wavered. "That day I fell asleep at my desk and fell to the floor." Barry said and Eddie nodded for him to continue, "I was about to do it. But you walked in. And I didn't want you to find me. God. I'd want anyone but you to find me. Yet you did last night, and you didn't say anything. I was going to do it. Its still there. In my closet. Like its offering me." Barry said sitting up in the bed.  
     "That's not for me to tell." Eddie said before admitting something, "I love you Barry. I love you so god damned much. I love Iris too, but you. I feel like you are everyone's light. When you smile, you brighten up the whole room. And I wish you were happy, I want you to be happy. I really do." Eddie said not facing Barry as he spoke. "I don't know what I'd do if you were gone." Eddie looked to Barry and sniffled. "I...um. Eddie." Barry felt guilty over how upset Eddie was getting over this. "I'm sorry Eddie. I didn't mean to hurt you. I just don't know what to do. I feel so alone, and broken. I don't know what to do." Barry felt it was harder to breath, and tears fell down his cheeks. A second later Eddie pulled him into a hug and let Barry cry. "I will always be here. Always. Barry." Eddie said and let the breaking man hold onto him until he was finished. "You're going to be late." Barry said after a moment of silence. "I'll be home as fast as possible." Eddie said and gently kissed Barry's forehead.  
     Barry sighed watch Eddie leave. He's not sure what's between them, but they both love each other. He knows Iris had tried a relationship with Eddie but she said she felt like Eddie was keeping something from her. There was two secrets Barry knew about. Both of them were him. When Barry turned to leave he saw Leonard talking to Mick. Mick hugged him probably fourty times before he let Leonard go. Barry waited for him and they walked back in silence. Until Leonard broke it, "Who's the blonde guy?" Leonard asked curiously.  
     "Eddie. He dated Iris for a while, but she said he was keeping secrets." Barry answered casually, "He sticks around because he's Joe's work partner, and he's basically part of the family," Barry announced. "He loves you." Leonard said and Barry nodded, "I know. That's what secret he was keeping from Iris." Barry looked to Leonard and Leonard kept his gaze on the ground. "Do you love him?" Barry nodded, "I love him. But I don't think we'd ever become an item." Leonard looked to him, "Why not?" Barry shrugged, "I know there is something between us. I don't know what, but it's there. I just don't think it's what it could be if I was, well... happy." Leonard nodded in understanding looking back to the repetitive tiles on the ground. "Plus. I like you." Barry added on and Len's head snapped back to Barry. Barry looked to Leonard and then to the ground again. Leonard smiled as they walked in silence, "I like you too." Leonard admitted and it was Barry's turn to smile. It wasn't anything like a wide toothed smile, just a small sign of happiness.  
     Things moved at the same pace, slowly Leonard and Barry found themselves smiling more and more. Caitlin noticed that Barry no longer replied with 'fine', but with 'better'. Soon they agreed what was best for both of them. To be official, boyfriends, in a relationship. They've been there for two months. Leonard was eating almost every other day, and Barry stopped counting, and staring out the hospital windows. And things were well. Barry told Eddie about Leonard and Eddie smiled. Barry was happy, that's all he wanted. Joe saw the difference with how Barry acted. Barry introduced Leoanrd to Joe, Iris, and Eddie. In return Leonard introduced Barry to Mick. Joe felt it was finally getting better. It's a Wednesday now, quiet as ever. Leonard reading some new book Mick bought for him last Friday, Barry leaning against his side, his slender arms wrapped around Len's torso.  
     The phone rang, Leonard will Barry to let go and picked up the phone. "We need Bartholomew Allen to come to the front office." Leonard questioned it, "Sure, why? Is something wrong?" A beat of silence, "Mr. West tells me something happened to Eddie." Leonard nodded and hung up. "Len?" Barry asked when he saw Leonard's concered face. "Something about Eddie." Barry got up and began his way to the front office. His pace was rushed as he finally got there. Joe was pacing.. Pacing was never a good sign when it came to Joe. "What happened?" Barry asked, "Eddie got shot. He's in the hospital, but he wanted to see you." Barry nodded and turned to the secretary, "Can you tell Leonard that I'll be out for a bit, but everythings okay," she nodded and he thanked her and left with Joe.  
     When he got to the hospital with Joe, Iris was crying outside the room waiting for them to finish. "Can I see him?" Barry asked as the doctor outside the room nodded, "He's in critical condition, and we'll have to start operation soon, but he insisted to see you." Barry barged into the room to see Eddie connected to probably seven difference machines. "Barry." Eddie said in a raspy voice. "Eddie, what are you doing? You were shot, and you wait for me to get here?" Barry questioned. Eddie smiled, "No matter what they do, I won't live past this. The gunman who shot me, he laced his bullets with a poison. The doctors know that, Joe knows it. Once the bullet is disturbed, it realeases the poison. I needed to see you one more time."  
     Barry took Eddie's hand, "They've got to start in about a minute." Barry informed him and leaned towards Eddie to wrap him in an awkward hug, trying avoid the bullet wound. "I love you Barry. I love you more than you could imagine. I'm glad you found your home, with Len." Eddie said and Barry cried, "I don't want you to be gone. You said you've always be here for me. Always." Barry shook as he tried to hold onto Eddie. "I love you so much Eddie. I love you more than the world. I can't lose you." Barry's voice shook as he spoke more.  
     "I love you too Barry. Try to stay happy after I'm gone too." Eddie pulled Barry down and connected their lips. Barry kissed Eddie until the doctors came in. Barry cried as he was pushed out of the room. He tried to get back, he was crying and screaming, "No! Eddie! I have to stay with him!" Barry ignored whatever Iris and Joe were saying as he tried to get back into the room. Almost an hour later a doctor came out. Iris stood up, asking how Eddie was. The doctor had her sit so she could address all three of them. Iris hopeful, Joe scared, and Barry broken. "We tried everything we could, but he's gone." Barry felt tears fall down his face. He knew an hour ago that Eddie was gone and he hadn't stop crying since.  
     "Bring me back to Len." Barry cried to Joe and Iris. When neither of them moved he got up and left without another word. Joe let Iris cry on his shoulder, knowing she still loved him. Barry walked out and asked to use the front desk's phone. He called a cab and was driven back in silence. He handed the diver a bunch of money without counting. "Keep the extra." he said and got out walking into the facility. Checking into the front desk and walking back to his room. Hot tears falling down his face, seaking comfort. "Len, Eddie was shot and he's gone now. Sorry I took so lo-" Barry froze.  
     Leonard was on the ground, blood across the floor, kitchen knife in his right hand. One long cut up his forearm. He fell to the ground on his knees, his heart beating fast, his throat closing up. Tears fall all over again. "FUCK!. NO! LEN! TALK TO ME! PLEASE. Don't be gone." Barry crawled to Leonard's lifeless body and shook him. "HELP! I need help." Barry cried, doctors rushed in and found Leonard. He's been dead for almost thirty minutes. Barry let sobs violently shake his weak form. "I can't lose you too Len. I-I love you Len. Please don't be gone. Oh god. Please. I already lost Eddie today. And now you." The doctors pulled him out to clean up the mess of blood, and Leonard's body.  
     Barry felt himself running out of air as he screamed to let him stay with Leonard. He gasped in a breath as he fought against the doctors to get to Leonard. Eventually they had him restrained in cloth covered hand cuffs, but yet he thrashed around. "Let go of me. I need to get to Len. They promised to stay with me. You can't keep me from him." Barry cried and cried. It was twenty minutes before Iris got there. Joe was staying at the hospital to talk about funeral arrangments, when they called to ask for a family member to talk to Barry as something had happened.  
     "LET GO OF ME! I don't want to live. Just let me die. I want Len back!" Barry screamed more until he was put in the emergency room. A padded cell like room with a straight jacket on. Iris entered and sat near Barry who was curled up, lying on his right side. "Barry?" she questioned and Barry didn't move to look at her or say anything. Just quiet whines and cries, followed by a couple sniffles. "Is it okay for me to touch you?" she asked and Barry didn't reply so she gently stroked his hair. "Why did they die? They promised they'd always be here for me." Barry's small, raspy, broken voice gently said. Iris couldn't answer.  
     "I don't want to be here. I want to be with Len, and Eddie." Barry sniffled, "You guys can't keep me here. I have to go. I want to go." Barry said and Iris quietly sniffled knowing he wasn't just talking about the room, or the building. "Iris, you gotta let me. I have to die. I can't be here. It hurts too much. Everyone I love dies. My mom, Len, Eddie. I can't let you die too. Or Joe." Barry pleaded.  
     It was hours until he wasn't sheding anymore tears, and days before he was done crying. It was weeks before he spoke to anyone, months until he ate anything again. And in a matter of a year, he was back to square one. How it started. He was looking out the window, the grass slightly yellow. Rain, no a light drizzle hitting the window and the discolored grass. By then, he's attended both funerals. Each one he cried more than anyone else, he didn't speak at either. Iris did at Eddie's and Mick did at Len's. Mick had been visiting Barry now with the rest of his family. He easily fit in, joke and laughed with Iris and Joe everyday. Anywhere they were he was nearby. Since Len had died he had no one else.  
     When he was young, his family had passed away in a house fire. He was the only one to survive. With third degree burns but he was alive. He barely talked about it since he didn't remember much of it, but Iris moved past it and let him join their mismatched family. Mick was happy, Iris was getting here, Joe was struggling but happy. Barry though. The only time he's wanted to die more was when he found Leonard. Barry was often found crying, or staring out a window. He had the most protected room of the entire facility. He had broken any record of longest stay which was when he got there a little less than a year, what it now was a year an almost two. The doctors knew he wasn't going to leave any time soon. Everyone that works there knows Barry, Barry knew everyone. Not on a personal level, but their names, and families.  
     Over the amount of time he's been their, he's attempted suicide five more times. He's tried stabbing himself, but the knife was taken away. He's tried electrocution but he was quickly moved away from the broken wire. He's tried overdosing twice more and hanging once more. Each time, he was removed from the sight in a mess of tears and screams. It's currently a monday. Exactly two years ago Barry attempted suicide at three in the morning on a Wednesday and was brought to the hospital. Later that day he was checked into this facility. Once every month Barry gets a walk around town. That's their first mistake.  
     Barry walks around with a nurse. His nurse. Caitlin Snow. Their second mistake. They walk to a nearby park, with a wonderful veiw over the horizon. Every time they walk they pass over a busy bridge. Their third mistake. Today Caitlin makes her way into the bathroom and Barry stands around for a bit then leaves. That's Caitlin's mistake. He leaves Caitlin to come out a minute later to see no sign of him. She rushed to the panicked commotion. People were gathering at the bridge. And that's where she found him. Barry was gone. She rushed through the crowd, "Move, he's my patient" She called the facility and they contacted Joe, Iris, and Mick. In a matter of days they held the funeral.  
     Iris cried as she held onto Mick, and Mick, for only knowing Barry for two years was in worse shape than Iris or Joe. Joe let silent tears fall down his face. The whole police department was there, along with the whole staff of the facility. Even patients attended, patients who got in and out in a matter of months. Ones who now had happy lives, ones who had just met Barry. People who worked at Jitters who knew Barry years ago. Eddie's family who was visitng back from Coast City. Friends of Mick and Leonard's. People who knew Barry through Mick, Iris, and Joe, but never met him. Everyone was there. School teachers, students of his class, even his childhood bully, Tony Woodword was there. Everyone who loved Barry was there. Everyone, even his father.


End file.
